After No Investigation, U.S. Identifies Boston Bomber as al-Qaeda

The splendorous shine of Bush's splendent teeth shining shiningly (18 April 2013)

Two explosions shook the Boston Marathon, and the country, Monday, 15 April 2013. According to the latest reports, three people died in the attack, and 130 were injured.

The identity of the individual or group responsible is as of yet unknown.

“We’re working on it,” said Janet Napolitano, U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security. “As of right now, every single person working in the U.S. government and military is working on figuring out who was responsible for these attacks. Literally everyone.”

“Everyone,” she added once more, for emphasis.

According to various sources, her claim is indeed true. Each and every individual working in the Department of Homeland Security, the FBI, the CIA, the NSA, the Department of “Justice,” the Department of Defense, the Army, the Navy, the Marines, the Air Force, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, the Drug Enforcement Administration, the Federal Bureau of Prisons, the U.S. Marshals Service, the National Guard, the National Drug Intelligence Center, the Department of Treasury (especially the Department of Treasury), the Pentagon Force Protection Agency, the Department of State, the Coast Guard, the Secret Service, Customs and Border Protection, the Department of Commerce (especially the Department of Commerce), and even the Departments of Education and Agriculture is participating in the national search.

Even Wal-Mart has joined in the search. Napolitano stirred some controversy among those foolish Americans who oppose the military-industrial complex (and who rationally think) in December of 2010, when she announced that the Department of Homeland Security would be partnering with Wal-Mart. “Public service announcements” (fancy government-speak for “propaganda”) were played on television sets in Wal-Mart stores throughout the country, telling customers “If you see something, say something,” to report any suspicious behavior to Wal-Mart personnel—that is to say, if you see any scary bearded people with a turban on, tell the Wal-Mart manager so he/she can call the SWAT team in to lock down the store before they blow things up. As Napolitano assured us, in her own words in a 2010 interview, this decision is simply the modern parallel “to the Cold War fight against communists.”

The House of Un-American Activities, formed in 1938, responsible for investigating these latter “Free” Market-hating, equality-seeking subversives, was renamed as the “House Committee on Internal Security” in 1969. In 2002, this committee was again renamed the “Department of Homeland Security.” Today, we call it the “U.S. Government.”

“The point is,” Napolitano concluded, “the U.S. government, with the help of the kind, kind, kind hearts at Wal-Mart, is searching for an even worse enemy than those dirty communists: those dirty terrorists.”

“Oh yes,” she added, as if she had just remembered what she was supposed to say. “And don’t forget: ‘Save money. Live better.’™” (She said the “tm.”)

Wal-Mart spokesman David Tovar offered a few words on the affair, in an interview with The Colonel. “Wal-Mart is a company that truly loves its country. We truly do! Uncle Sam has been so good to us. What other government in the world could sustain such gargantuan subsidies, neoliberal policies, and refusal to regulate corporate crime, exploitation, and corruption?! Only the greatest country on Earth can do that. We will be joining this country, standing side-by-side with Uncle Sam, in the search for those dirty Muslim, I mean terrorist—that’s the accepted term, right?—bastards responsible for the Boston Massacre No. 2.”

When asked what all of the federal government’s circa two million workers could possibly be doing to investigate a relatively small-scale incident, she replied “Shuffling papers, mostly. But how else are you supposed to make it look like the government is actually investigating who really did the bombing? It’s not like we’ve already decided beforehand who was responsible.”

“We definitely didn’t already decide beforehand who was responsible,” maintained Robert S. Mueller, III, director of the FBI. In spite of the number of people involved, the bureau is leading the search.

“We haven’t done much investigating yet,” he admitted. “We’ve been too busy making media hype and marketing the event. Even we here in the FBI have to work on our Personal Brand!™” (He said the “tm.”)

The FBI identified a suspect immediately after the bombing. His identify is unknown, but every “news”paper in the country has decided to simply call him the “Saudi Man”—to emphasize his “otherness” and “Middle-Easternness” and “terroristness,” of course.

“We identified the suspect right off of the bat,” noted Mueller. “We charged him with both Being Brown at the Scene of the Crime and Being Bearded at the Scene of the Crime. Both are very serious offenses. You can be locked up in a secret and/or privatized and/or secret privatized prison—where you’ll be tortured for the rest of your life, without trial—if you’re brown and bearded enough.”

When reminded that the 20-year-old man they identified as a suspect, without a single shred of evidence, did not in fact have a beard, Mueller responded “Exactly. This man went beyond these two punishable-by-death felonies: He shaved his beard three days before the attack. It’s obvious he was trying to dispose of the evidence. And that’s another couple of felonies right there.”

After searching the young man’s house, nevertheless, the FBI found nothing. Absolutely nothing. In desperate frustration, it planted a few things, but even that was unable to stick, given the man’s squeaky clean record.

As the innocent young man lay convalescent in the hospital, recovering from the wounds he endured in the explosion, Andrew Napolitano (of no relation to Janet—although he jokingly calls her “Cousin Janet”) lamented on Fox “News” “There must be enough evidence to keep him there.” Mainly because the racist asshole hates anyone that isn’t white.

The young man has since been released, after heavy police surveillance and probing. Napolitano has exploded in fury over the exculpation of the entirely innocent victim. “The fucking (Can I say that in the interview? Oh, I can? Well, in that case)—The fuckidy fuckingly fucking liberal fucks in Washington thought we should let him go, citing ‘human rights’ or some bull shit, claiming we didn’t have any evidence. Terrorist scumbags. We had to let the criminal go. Thanks Obama.”

Mueller has not expressed worry over the acquittal of the innocent man whose life the government and media have now destroyed. “We already have a list of other potential suspects,” Mueller stated, pointing at his computer screen, on which was loaded the Wikipedia article for “Muslim.”

President Obama offered his thoughts on the bombing in a Monday government address, firmly stipulating “We will find out who did this; we’ll find out why they did this. … Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups will feel the full weight of justice.”

In an exclusive interview with The Colonel, however, Obama divulged that he already knew that the bombings were organized by al-Qaeda.

“We don’t even need to investigate,” he claimed. “It’s a given.”

When asked if these claims contradicted (Janet) Napolitano’s, Mueller insisted that this is not at all the case. “We have everyone in the government on this case. Everyone. Literally, everyone. We already know who the culprit is though: AlQaeda. DUH. So, what they’re all doing their hardest to do is simply find something. Anything. A single scrap of evidence. An essay on so-called U.S. ‘imperialism.’ A book by Tariq Ali, or Ali Abunimah, or some other terrorist dude. A freshly used razor, hair still on it. A Facebook status criticizing me. A box of matches. A misspelled Google search. A half-eaten apple. Emphasis on the possibility of a Facebook status criticizing me. The Communist Manifesto. The Quran.”

“Anything can be used for the sake of terrorism. In the fight against terrorism, then, anything can be considered terrorism. Anything.”

“And, really,” he added, “if he has a Facebook status like that”; the President slowly dragged his hand horizontally across his neck.

“And I really hope he didn’t tag me,” Obama bemoaned. “My Fb friends might see that.”

Critiques have accused the government of politicizing this recent tragedy. When asked to comment, Obama applied melodramatically. “Of course we are politicizing it! There are few opportunities that we get like this, to encourage Americans to unite and blindly obey what we tell them to do, I mean stand in solidarity with their fellow citizens to defeat this Islamic threat, I mean terrorist threat, I mean Iran.”

“As James Madison said,” he continued, “‘If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.’ We don’t really wanna be the ones who have to bring Tyranny and Oppression to this land—especially the kind with the big T and O—but, if we have to, if it’s in the interest of national security (well, and corporate profit), we must.”

“You see,” Obama explained, “we kill innocent civilians every single day. Lots. LOTS. Remember in the past interviews with you guys when I told you about all the atrocities I and my predecessors have committed throughout the Middle East, or listed all the countries my country had been bombing, or how I was giving money to violent drug cartels in Mexico—wait, that was twice, wasn’t it?—or that one in the future, when I’m going to talk about all the innocent children I’ve killed with drones, and tell you, in reflecting on my presidency, that, according to any rational definition, I was a right-winger the whole time, and that Democrats were just too stupid to notice?”

“Anyway, the point is we must remind the world that we are the ones that do the killing. We do the killing. And we do it on their soil. Not on our soil. On their soil.”

“Who are “they”? Well, brown people. And bearded people. And non-bearded people. And Muslims. And non-Muslims. And anyone who has oil. And anyone who lives on top of oil. And anyone who doesn’t live on top of oil but probably has something really cool in their pocket but won’t give it to me. And even people who don’t live on top of oil, and probably don’t have anything really cool in their pocket, because, I mean, fuck them, what’s there to live for if you don’t have anything in your damn pocket?”

“Again, the fact of the matter is, when someone bombs us, we bomb back, with 100 times the intensity… Nah, just joshin’: with 10000000000000000000000000000000 times the intensity. It’s self-defense. Page one of Sun Tzu. And the Bible. I’ll read it. Right here.”

Obama then pulled out an old, worn copy of the Bible. “Here it is. I quote.”

“Matthew 5:38–5:42, King James. ‘Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Oh yea, and, if someone bombs you, BOMB DA FUCK OUT OF THEM IN RETURN.’”

“God said that. His words.” Obama raised the holy book to The Colonel reporter, showing a page on which it looked remarkably like someone had scribbled the last line in crayon.

“See? God gave us permission to bomb the world.”

“Not that we really need it anyway,” he added.

The Colonel then interviewed President George W. Bush on the matter—not because he is a specialist on the matter or anything, or even knows what the hell he’s taking about, but merely because that’s what respectable “news”papers do now-a-days.

“It was al-Qaeda. I know it.”

“I mean, c’mon. Who else in the world would bomb innocent civilians for political reasons?” the ex-President asked, the splendorous shine of his splendent teeth shining shiningly.

By Aunt Samantha

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Originally published in The Colonel on 18 April 2013.