Akin Learned Biology from Teeth, History from Inglourious Basterds

N.B. This article is satire.

(16 September 2012)

In a mid-August interview with St. Louis television station KTVI-TV, Rep. Todd Akin (R) claimed that in cases of “legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Controversy erupted and international condemnation from medical experts ensued, yet Akin maintains his stance on the subject. “This isn’t about science. This is about politics. People are disagreeing with me because I’m against killing babies. People are against me because they’re baby-killers,” Akin said.

Akin refused to recant, even after being shown a 1996 study conducted by the Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology of the Medical University of South Carolina that found in its 3-year survey of 4008 adult American women that rape-related pregnancy occurred with “significant frequency.” Numerous other studies have demonstrated that his statements are flatly incorrect but Akin held onto his claims: “I didn’t just make this up. I’ve actually seen it happen.”

In response to inquiries about the statement, Akin pointed to Mitchell Lichtenstein’s 2007 horror film Teeth. “If it’s not true, explain how that good, chaste Christian girl in the movie Teeth bites off the ding-dongs of her rapists. You can’t fake stuff like that. Didn’t you see how real that was?” Akin stated, oddly excited.

When asked why he said “ding-dongs” instead of “penises,” Akin abruptly told his female interviewer, “A man of God should not say the ‘p’ word in the presence of ladies.”

When told that Teeth is in fact a work of fiction, and that what he saw was just special effects, Akin plugged his ears, closed his eyes, and repeatedly muttered to himself, “Devil be gone! Devil be gone! Devil be gone!”

As for what’s next in Missouri’s second congressional district, Akin proudly declared he wishes to push legislation revising public school curricula.

“This isn’t the only misinformation plaguing our nation right now,” Akin said. “Not only should we be teaching young men about the dangers of the vagina dentata in our biology classes—well, and creationism, of course,” he added, “but we’ve also been teaching lies about history—and evolution—to our generation’s youth for much too long now. If we really want to end our wars in the Middle East, we need to see how that renegade band of Jews killed Hitler in [Quentin Tarantino’s 2009] Inglourious Basterds. That’s how you end a war, not diplomacy. With bullets. Lots and lots of bullets.”

——————————————————————————————————————————————

Originally published in The Colonel on 17 September 2012.