Congress Reaches 0.001% Approval Rating

N.B. This article is satire.

According to the latest AP poll, published Tuesday, approval ratings for Congress have officially reached their lowest point ever. 0.001% of Americans approve of their current legislature.

This figure was calculated in a recent comprehensive AP poll, conducted over the past year. People were asked a series of questions, including the straightforward “Do you approve of Congress?”, the slightly more abstract “Congress, or Charles Manson?”, and the strangely kinky “Can you please rate Congress on a scale from one to 10, with one being an orgasm and 10 being an orgasm… while your genitals are being cut off?”

What makes this AP poll especially interesting (and important) is—unlike most polls, which analyze only a statistically-significant segment of people, and then extrapolate the findings to the rest of the population in question—in order to ensure utmost accuracy, every single American, citizen and non-citizen alike, was surveyed.

“A survey the scale of this is absolutely unprecedented. We’ve never seen something this comprehensive in the entire history of survey-taking,” said Dr. Elijah Norweign, one of the world’s foremost demographics specialists.

When asked to comment on the study, Thomas L. Mesenbourg, acting Director of the U.S. Census Bureau expressed doubts as to the veracity of the study, irrefutably citing “I don’t like them” as evidence.

According to the 2011 census, the U.S. has a population of 311,591,917 people. It is further estimated approximately 10 million undocumented individuals currently reside in the country, bringing this number to c. 323 million people.

0.001% of this population is approximately 3230 people. 534 of these came from Congress itself. The 435 representatives in the House of Representatives approved wholeheartedly of themselves. 99 of the 100 senators in the Senate did as well—only Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) spoke negatively, calling his peers “all war criminals, essentially,” “amoral political opportunists,” and “modern-day slave-owners.”

Of these 3230 supporters of Congress, 3227 had an annual income of over $750,000.

Prominent billionaire Donald Trump was the only American with an annual income over $5 million to express dissatisfaction. Yet, in these regards, Congress was not alone; in a survey interview, Trump expressed unbridled hatred for everything on this planet, stating he felt passion only for his 1400 cars, “three… or, maybe two and a half” of his 16 houses, and, in The Boss’ own words, “the middle third of [his] ding-a-ling, and cat piss. Especially together.”

In an interview with The Colonel, current Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) explained the miserable results, claiming “Americans were just having a bad day.”

When told that the study was conducted not over one day, but an entire year, Boehner— his eyes moving back and forth between his interviewer and his public relations advisor, who, outside the door, periodically popped up to its glass window, drawing a flat palm horizontally across his neck, slowly mouthing “Remember who you work for”— responded “Or a bad year. I’ve had one of those before… Fuckin’ ants,” he added, under his breath.

These findings come as the world’s largest recorded hurricane hurtles toward the Eastern U.S. (all of it); as several Polynesian islands, Tokyo, and Venice have, officially, been completely covered with water; and as a Colonel reporter is still recovering from having melted last Tuesday. (He is still in a bowl; the nation’s best surgeons are currently working on returning him to solid form.)

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Originally published in The Colonel on 8 February 2013.