Dems Add Ahura Mazda, Krishna to Platform; Fox News Still Complains They Forgot Ares

N.B. This article is satire.

At the Democratic National Convention on Wednesday, party leaders facilitated three important platform additions.

The first was the inclusion of Ahura Mazda in its official platform. Ahura Mazda is the god of Zoroastrianism, an ancient Persian religion founded sometime around the sixth century BCE by the prophet Zoroaster. The religion still boasts pockets of adherents in India, Iran, and other places around the world.

“You see, Zoroaster represents everything the Democratic Party stands for,” said Villaraigosa (D), Los Angeles Mayor, who helped push through the changes. “Zoroaster sees the universe, sees everything in the universe, in terms of black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. And, you know, there really couldn’t be a better way to see the world. Think about it: Republicans are the right; Democrats are the left. Left or right. Right or wrong. Good or bad. There’s no in-between; it’s one side or the other. And, besides, just look, Romney is rich, Obama is… I mean,” he fumbled, before getting back on track, “Symbolism’s not even necessary. Perfect example: Obama is black; Romney is white.”

It is speculated that the decision was also made to appeal to Persian voters, in a time of escalating hostile relations with Iran. The party refused to comment.

The second change to the party’s platform was the addition of Krishna, a Hindu deity, avatar of the god Vishnu.

“It might seem like an unusual choice, but it’s not at all,” said Sen. Carl Levin (D). “You see, Republicans like war. They really, really like war. So if we want to appeal to on-the-fence voters—and there are sure a lot of them this year, given how crazy that Ryan guy is—adding Krishna to our platform is just a good move, all the way around. Don’t forget what he said in the Bhagavad Gita: ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’ Now that’ll really get us some voters.”

When asked to talk about the party’s platform on war, Levin said, “You can’t beat a warmonger by being a hippie pacifist or something. We’ve got to take a hardline approach on this. War isn’t bad, if it’s in the name of U.S. National, or economic, Security.”

A bit of controversy arose over the process used by the party to decide on these additions. Votes were based simply on “yay” or “no.” No counts were done, and the process was repeated several times to try to gauge what the majority opinion was.

“Traditional democratic processes, voting, discussing, debating, all that nonsense, are just really inefficient,” President Obama said. “If you really want to get something done, and you want to get it done quickly, just do it; forget about all that. Democracy’s really overrated anyway.”

The idea of including other gods in the platform was also deliberated. “We considered adding Allah,” Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz (D), head of the Democratic National Committee told The Colonel, when asked if the party had considered any other changes to the platform. “But we’re not crazy.”

In the meantime, Fox News has come out denouncing the party for its failure to include Greek god Ares.

According to the network’s official statement, “That the Democratic Party conveniently forgot to include Ares, the Greek god of war, is no surprise. This is just another sign of an ever-weakening foreign policy, and collusion with international terrorists everywhere. (But what would you expect from a party of government-loving, miscegenous free lovers?) We ask you, the American people, when it comes to Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Kyrgystan, all those other countries that end in –stan, and China, or any other enemies of our freedom, what would you rather have, drone strikes, or nuclear strikes?”

As for the third addition, when told that declaring Jerusalem as Israel’s capital violated international law and numerous UN resolutions, everyone responded “Palestine? What’s that?”


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Originally published in The Colonel on 17 September 2012.