N.B. This article is satire.
(18 February 2013)
Last night actress and singer Jennifer Lopez was shot and killed at the Texas border.
Mrs. Lopez had been in the area to shoot the highly-anticipated Gigli II: This Time We Mean Revenge… Really… For Real… We Mean It.
“She was asking for it,” said officer Peter Panitsky, who shot the 43-year old mother with a high-range sniper rifle as she stood pushing her 4-year-old twins, Emme and Maximilian, on swings.
This death comes after another 18-year-old Latino U.S. citizen was killed last week at the border.
When asked how a U.S. citizen could be killed on the U.S. side of the border (Well, 70 miles from the border, but our editor-in-chief is telling us we have to report “at the border.” (She gets checks from the DHS. We don’t question it. We wish it was us… maybe some day…)), Panitsky’s commanding officer, Captain Harry Hooker, responded “There was no way to know if she was legal or not.”
“We just assume that they’re not,” added officer Tinkerta Bellroy. “Rather safe than sorry.”
“C’mon, her last name’s Lopez,” Panitsky offered as evidence.
Lopez’ lawyer, Wendy Carlos Darlingas, has announced she will be pressing charges against U.S. Border Patrol Texas. “This racist, illegal, monstrous assassination breaks virtually every human rights law we have in this country,” she said. “This is such a thoroughly unacceptable and outrageous, gross human rights violation that the entire international community will surely be up in arms, joining us in our demand for justice.”
(According to the latest reports, at this point, the international community is neither up in arms nor demanding justice; we’ve ensured that (selective reporting ftw). And another episode of Jersey Shore is premiering this week, so it looks like it’s smooth-sailing from here on.)
Joe Arpaio, sheriff of Maricopa County, offered his thoughts on the affair—not because he is related to the case at all, but because he has adequately demonstrated time and time again that he is a tried-and-true anti-Latino bigot, and thus a great source for the “other side” of the story, what they taught us is considering “good reporting” in our journalism classes in college (We have college educations, see!)—echoing Panitsky’s observations. “With a last name like that, she deserved it.”
Defending himself against Darlingas’ charges, Panitsky claimed it wasn’t his fault. “Besides, I was just following orders.”
Bellroy too echoed this notion. “Listen here: I got these orders here from the President himself. He told me, ‘You see an illegal immigrant, you shoot.’ So I told Peter here, ‘You see a Mexican, you shoot him. Or her. Or it.’ Just following orders.”
When told that not all Mexicans in the U.S. are illegal immigrants, Hooker responded “And sometimes when I’m at Taco Bell I get a taco with lettuce when I obviously asked for it without lettuce.”
When met with a blank stare, he explained, “The point is, it’s still a taco.”
The White House released an official statement today reading, “Every precaution must be taken if we want to protect the safety of our fellow Americans. It is, er… unfortunate… [sic] that we have lost this, er… shining star of, er [yes the “er’s” were included in the official statement]… talent?… But it was in the name of national security.”
“And, damn, we were really looking forward to another Gigli” it concluded.
This death comes as another 18-year-old Latino U.S. citizen was killed last week at the border. And a 16-year-old Latino man the day before that. And a 13-year-old boy before that. And an 11-year-old girl that same day. And four 8-year-old Latino children the day before that. And a van with 27 adults. And a series of vans with 81. And a train car with 133. And a series of train cars with 394. And the rest of the country.
That rag The Guardian has chosen to call this unfortunate incident (unfortunate, of course, because J. Lo.’s famous) “morally reprehensible”; those dirty Reds have gone so far as to claim that U.S. immigration policies are, “at this point, tantamount to State-sanctioned genocide.”
The Colonel, however, chooses, correctly, to call it “a pivotal defense of our national security,” a “necessary evil… but a good evil,” calling border patrol a “benevolent program to preserve to purity, we mean filth, we mean the specialiness of the American people.”
Sources confirmed that as of press time, the Colonel had collected a check from military technology corporations and U.S.-based banks that currently hold billion-dollar accounts with Mexican drug lords. It’s gotta stay afloat in the Age of Internet, after all.