N.B. This article is satire.
(3 March 2013)
The Obama administration published an unprecedented press release Friday night denouncing U.S. military intervention abroad (which the document points out is not actually “intervention,” a euphemism, but what it calls “vehement neocolonialism”).
The report opens stating “The administration has unequivocally decided to end our brutal imperialist, shill regimes across the planet. As of the beginning of April, every single foreign U.S. military base will be closed, the troops and military officers sent home. Moreover, we will put an immediate moratorium on all aid to foreign militaries, including, and especially, Israel’s genocidal monstrosity. With this declaration, we wish to furthermore apologize to the international community for our past actions. We have spilt unimaginably large, unbelievably voluminous, inconceivably gargantuan, indescribably huge, unthinkably Brobdingnagian, mind-bogglingly exorbitant amounts of innocent human blood, and we’re sorry for that. Please forgive us. We really are sorry. Really. Please. Forgive us. Please.”
This news comes out of nowhere, as most military officials and high-profile politicians are brainstorming excuses to invade Iran.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is not cool. I don’t get it. Iran was supposed to next. We’re still trying to figure out how we can blow it all up. We used up all of our excuses in Iraq. Obama’s being such a douche, bailing ship at a time like this. And this is just after me and him had our ‘Imperialism’s-Cool-Brah’ handshake (and accompanying milkshake) Thursday night. I repeat, this is not cool,” said newly-appointed Secretary of State John Kerry.
“And what am I supposed to do for my job now? It’s going to be so boring,” he lamented.
President Obama himself offered a few words of rationale. “You see, I just woke up Friday morning and I was all chill and stuff—I had a great milkshake with John the night before. One glass, two (bendy) straws, of course… I can still taste it now! Mmm… Well, I was all chill when I woke up, and I was like, ‘I should probably stop killing innocent people,’ you know? I thought about it for a moment, and I was like ‘I think their lives actually… matter… Probably.’”
“So, after blowing my nose a bit on my Constitution-themed tissues—and getting myself another big old milkshake—I got thinking about it a bit more, and realized this could only help my image! All those children, women, and men and stuff of Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Palestine, Yemen, Somalia, Nigeria, Mali, and Iran… and all those children, women, and men of Egypt, Indonesia, Chile, Peru, Vietnam, El Salvador, Panama, Nicaragua, Guatemala, Honduras, Argentina, Paraguay, and Bolivia… and those of Angola, Zaire/the Congo, Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Morocco, Tunisia, Algeria, Jordan, Haiti, the Dominican Republic, Nepal… and from Cuba, Brazil, Uzbekistan, Turkey, South Korea, Cambodia, Brunei, Fiji, Kyrgyzstan, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Malawi, Togo, the Ivory Coast, Equatorial Guinea… on yeah, and also from Rhodesia, South Africa, Kenya, Liberia, Singapore, Tajikstan, Kazakhstan, Turkmenistan, Thailand, Taiwan, the Philippines… All those peeps, and a few others, will for sure appreciate us ending our bruuutal imperialist regimes and apologizing for past ones. You never know, I might become an international celebrity!”
“Plus, most important of all,” he added, “I only have like 47 Facebook friends right now /sadface/, so this could be the perfect opportunity to get past 100! /happyface/”
When asked what the U.S. would do with the foreign land on which its bases had been built, Obama responded “Oh yeah, that. We’re just opening it all to the highest bidder. American Style™. The Almighty Free Market™ (amen, alleluia, K’vod K’dushat, may Peace and Blessings be upon it) will decide!”