U.S. Banks, Weapons Corporations, and Government Tired of Working with Violent Drug Cartels; Seeking to Break into New Markets

N.B. This article is satire.

Guns

(20 March 2013)

According to a new report, more than 250,000 guns are smuggled from the United States into Mexico every year. Most of these guns end up in the hands of violent drug cartels, who then use them to kill innocent civilians and solidify their draconian chokehold on the populace.

U.S. weapons corporations, however, are beginning to get tired of working with these cartels. “We’ve saturated the market, you see,” Hank Larson, Director of Public Relations for Remington Arms, told The Colonel. “You know, after a while, it gets hard to market to drug dealers. Once they get enough weapons, they don’t buy anymore. So you’re not always guaranteed a profit,” he explained.

Danny Ringer, Direct of Public Relations for Smith & Wesson explained his company was having the same problems. “You have two options: You can make your weapon of inferior quality, so it breaks soon and they have to buy a new one—we call this one “planned obscelence,” ‘cus it sounds fancy.” (I don’t even know what “obsolecense” means, and I went to Harvard!” he laughed.) “The problem is, this works for electronics and household materials and most consumer goods, but you don’t really want to mess around like this with violent drug dealers. They’ll come knocking on your door with the guns you sold them. And we don’t want that—we’d prefer that gun is used on someone else, in Mexico.”

“So, the only other option is to increase the demand for guns. There are of course a few ways to do that: Lobby to make the U.S.’s complicit ‘War on Drugs’ (he laughs for a moment at the name and then continues) even worse; convince Eric Holder to buy more weapons from us; or simply go to the source, and explain to our customers that, if they want more power over their country, all they need to do is kill more people. This is our sly way of persuading them they need more weapons without directly telling them. I learned it in my marketing class (winking at the interviewer). And, pesto chango [sic], the money piles in! We here at Smith & Wesson try a mixture of all these approaches. They have, for the most part, been incredibly successful. Last fiscal year was in fact the highest on record. Ever!”

U.S. arms dealers and banks, who have hundreds of billions of dollars in accounts with drug dealers around the world, however, are quickly losing interest in Mexico, and Latin America in general, and are seeking new markets to break into.

“We’ve just reached a point where we can’t earn much more money,” said Seymour Lickorice, Director of Public Relations for Colt’s Manufacturing Company. “The market’s been so saturated for over a decade, and we can’t really convince the drug cartels to buy any more weapons; they already have enough to take over their country.”

“The other main problem,” explained Dean Johnson, Director of Public Relations of the National Rifle Association, “is Obama and his Marxist comrades are trying to take away our fundamental rights as Americans. They really, really hate freedom, and they’re trying to prevent us from exercising it in a true capitalist system.”

Such remarks are intriguing, nonetheless, given they conflict with Monday’s speech of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. Ki-moon lamented “the absence of the rule of law in the conventional arms trade defies explanation. We have international standards regulating everything from T-shirts to toys to tomatoes. There are international regulations for furniture. That means there are common standards for the global trade in armchairs, but not the global trade in arms.”

The United States has more laws influencing trade practices for bananas than it does guns (although, let’s be frank here, both can be absolutely deadly weapons).

Dean Johnson, nevertheless, feels the Free Market is genuinely under attack.

“It is our right to sell weapons to whoever we want. And it is under attack here by those good-for-nothing Reds in Washington. I have the right to sell any kind of gun I want to anyone. If some crazy dude wants to go into a school and shoot some little kids up with a submachine gun I sold him, what right to I have to tell him he can’t? What do you think this is, Soviet Russia?”

“Instead, it’s these f’ing liberals and their f’ing sense of ‘evening the playing field’ that keep getting in the way. This is voluntary association. How can you possibly be against that? If you are, you’re obviously totalitarian. Dictator.”

“This weapons sale is voluntary for producer, and voluntary for the client. If you don’t believe in that, you’re a Commie. Face it. Other people who aren’t involved in this economics transaction aren’t pertinent! Those stupid liberals need to take an economics class. This is a two-party transaction. Mexican laypeople don’t matter. “And, now, women running around getting abortions every Saturday, and teenagers not respecting their elders, and gays having sex on park benches, and white people not being allowed to sit in the front of buses when its their respectful place—THIS COUNTRY IS GOING TO HELL!!!” he screamed loudly, pulling out a sawed-off shotgun and putting it up to The Colonel reporter interviewing him.

It is not clear whether the reporter made it out alive, but, John Kerry, Director Public Relations for the U.S. Military-Industrial Complex, further expatiated on the situation. “Another problem is compounded in all of this. Latin America is getting its act together; we’re losing our imperial hold on it. We no longer have guaranteed markets for things, so, if we truly want to maintain the free market system (and, let’s face it, if you don’t, you’re a good-for-nothing, freedom-hating commie), we have to somehow convince them they need our help—or get up and move somewhere else.”

Where “somewhere else” is is, at this point, unclear. Kerry refused to comment, and in fact suddenly appeared uncomfortable, fumbling with what strangely seemed to look like the outline of a pistol in his pocket.

Whatever the case, according to the report, these 250,000 guns per year only account for two percent of the weapons sold annually in the U.S. And, for those without a calculator—or a brain (You got that reader? YOU SUCK)—that is 12.5 million firearms.

Where these other 12.25 million weapons go, and where U.S. banks and weapons corporations are planning on moving into, is currently not known. But it’s clear that, together, they will work toward spreading notions of democracy, equality, justice, sanitation, education, progress, capitalism, white supremacy, patriarchy, classism, imperialism, and a variety of other top U.S. exports

Oh yes, and one word: Africa.

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Originally published in The Colonel on 20 March 2013.