There is a long tradition of US newspapers endorsing particular candidates in presidential elections. (This is in spite of the fact that journalists constantly insist they are “neutral” and “objective”—endorsing a political candidate is surely one of the most politically neutral things one can do.)
I do not own a newspaper, but I do have a blog.
I am ergo now officially declaring that my blog is endorsing Vermin Supreme in the 2016 US presidential election.
Why? For starters, the cornerstone of Vermin’s campaign is the guarantee of a pony for every and all Americans.
This brilliant policy will tackle not just the dilemmas of climate change-causing fossil fuel consumption and greenhouse gas emissions, high-density traffic, widespread lack of public transportation, turbulent gas prices, and more, it will furthermore reinvigorate the equine economy, thus pulling America’s bootstraps up as a whole.
JFK famously remarked “A rising tide lifts all boats.” The fact of the matter, nevertheless, is that rising tides sometimes sink boats.
But when has a pony ever sunk a boat? Ruminate on that for a second.
Moreover, in his 2012 presidential campaign, Vermin Supreme interrupted an anti-choice protest with advertisements for the return of the McDonald’s McRib.
In this ingenious demonstration, Vermin exhibited his utmost honesty. Like all mainstream presidential candidates, Vermin Supreme understands that corporations are people too, and he will thus put corporate people significantly above human people. Unlike the others, however—and this is precisely what makes him stand out—Vermin is honest about this promise.
And in politics honesty is, honestly, all that really matters!
If these reasons alone do not sell you on prospective President Vermin, his platform doubtless will:
Vermin Supreme’s Presidential Platform
I’m a tyrant that you can trust. You should let me run your life because I know what is best for you.
Yes, I’m a politician. I will lie to you because I have no reason not to. I will promise your electorate heart anything you desire, because you are my constituents, you are the informed voting public, and I have no invention of keeping any promise that I make.
This election year, vote early, vote often, and remember, a vote for me, Vermin Supreme, is a vote completely thrown away.
My primary policy positions are as follows:
- I stand for mandatory toothbrushing laws. Now friends, some people will tell you this mandatory toothbrushing law is about the DNA gene-splicing of winged monkeys to access tooth-training forces. No it is not. Nor is it about the dental reeducation centers. It is not about the preventive dental maintenance detention facilities. It is not about the government-issued toothpaste containing an addictive yet harmless substance. It is not about even the computer chip dental implants to keep track of you and your children. What this mandatory toothbrushing law is really about is strong teeth for a strong America.
- Number two, zombie preparedness. America must be prepared for the upcoming zombie invasion. Yes and I am the only candidate who provides such a plan.
- Time travel research. I am the only candidate who will go back in time and kill baby Hitler before he’s even born.
- And last but not least, free ponies for all Americans. Yes it’s a Free Pony for All Americans Job Act. Just think of the jobs that will be created when all Americans have ponies. Oh yes, for sure. And not only that, but it’s a federal pony identification system, to identify you for your safety. And it will protect us from terrorists!
Thank you. My name is Vermin Supreme. I approve this message.
If you don’t think his promise to go back in time to kill baby Hitler is a good enough reason to vote for Vermin Supreme, screw you you fascist.