N.B. This article is satire.
(15 November 2013)
According to numerous sources, including The Colonel’s own foreign correspondent to the Pacific Northwest, Syria has just bombed Damascus, Oregon.
The details appear to be fuzzy at this point, yet multiple reputable sources, including the Weekly World News, the Sun, the Sunday Sport, and the New York Times have corroborated, and are now working on shaving, them.
First-hand accounts suggest that the missile strike completely eviscerated the city’s 10,539 person population. Second- and third-hand accounts too. And fourth and fifth. There are a lot of severed hands lying on the ground throughout Damascus.
The Syrian military appears to have employed 69 uranium-tipped Tomahawk Missiles in its strike. The weapons were allegedly purchased legally from the U.K., thanks to numerous free trade agreements. “We are very proud of the fact that bananas are more regulated in international commerce than are weapons,” explained U.K. Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills, Vincent Cable.
“If you are a terrorist group in Syria, or a terrorist group in the Syrian government, or, hell, a member of the prominent terrorist groups comprising the U.K. or the U.S. government’s upper echelon, we’re proud that, if you have the capital, you can buy a Tomahawk Missile, or a nuke, or whatever. The best way to control violence is through the invisible hand of the Almighty Market, see. Access to weapons is a human right. Bananas on the other hand, er…” Cable trailed off as his interviewer pulled out his banana snack.
“Oh yes, and this is a most unfortunate incident,” Cable added, referring either to the bananas or the slaughter of over 10,000 people; we’re not quite sure. We at The Colonel suspect the dude just has something against bananas.
When asked why Syria employed 69 missiles, when estimates suggest that it could have easily destroyed the entire city with only 10, Chief of General Staff of the Army Ali Abdullah Ayyoub merely chuckled. After the question was asked several more times, he managed to utter, in between bouts of laughter “It looks like the six is doing a 69 to the nine!”
“Also, we used like 50 on Damascus’ McDonalds alone,” Ayyoub added a few moments later, still roaring with laughter. “We just really wanted to make sure we destroyed it. Fuck McDonalds.”
Fuck it indeed.
Some anti-war activists in the U.S. have noted that the use of the Tomahawk Missiles is an interesting insult to injury, given that it has historically been a favorite weapon of the U.S. military, the go-to option when it bombs innocent civilians throughout the Middle East and North Africa. But, then again, they’re anti-war activists, so who the hell cares what they say? We’re part of the media after all; we don’t quote their likes.
The Colonel reporter on the scene confirms that every human being is indeed dead. Charred remains of a few were even found sitting on the pot, still clutching works from the toilet-reading canon, the likes of 50 Shades of Grey, MOTOcross Magazine, and the whitewashed posthumous autobiography of George Washington. The reporter sent back a picture of a flattened Dunkin’ Donuts, accompanied by the text “CIVILIZATION HAS ENDED.” Given that our high school history books informed us that America runs on Dunkin’, it appears that he has a point.
Sally Cooke, the only known surviving Damascene, happened to be in Damascus’ neighboring town on the east, Boring, Oregon—“The most exciting place to live,” according to the city’s slogan (we sh!t you not)—at the time of the bombing. She has declined to comment on the incident, having decided to silently mourn the passing of the late McDonalds and Dunkin’ Donuts for 11 months.
For final remarks, we managed to get a short statement from Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, in which he explained the motives behind the attack.
“The U.S. regularly uses chemical weapons on civilians. It used white phosphorus against innocent Iraqis in Halabja in 2003 and depleted uranium missiles as it purposefully targeted civilians and civilian infrastructure in the 1991 Gulf War. The U.S. provided the chemical weapons Saddam Hussein used to murder innocent Kurds in the Iran-Iraq war and continues to provide chemical weapons to Israel, as it brutalizes the Palestinian people.
“The use of chemical weapons against civilians is a war crime. The 1925 Geneva Protocol dictates that chemical weapons of any form are not allowed. We are just giving the U.S. a taste of its own medicine.”
Well, guess what Assad, we at The Colonel have a message for you: We’re Americans, and we don’t like medicine. Or vegetables. Medicate us, and we medicate you. Make us eat vegetables, and we’ll make you eat vegetables. Bomb us with 69 Tomahawk Missiles, and we’ll bomb you and the rest of the world with our 5000 nukes. Last person standing wins. Game on.
by Wutgo Zuhround Cumzhround
Originally published in The Colonel on 15 November 2013.